Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
