U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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