im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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