I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize