guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
