I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
