just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
