i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
