Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Let's get the cat blown out
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
