ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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