She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
