I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
