listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize