i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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