i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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