Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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