At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize