i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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