i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm too high and old for this...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
