I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
