He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
