Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
