I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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