he was CRYING into my vagina
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
