I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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