Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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