He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
