I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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