I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
