ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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