woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
