I looked at my own cervix.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
