If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
