No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
