remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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