This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
