I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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