Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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