Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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