I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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