why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
