i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
