i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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