the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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