It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
