I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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