A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
