I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
