No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
