Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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