I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Randomize