he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
