I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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