Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
