Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
