i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
