Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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