his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
BRING THE BAGELS
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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