Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
