you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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