He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
