I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
