Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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